Understanding & Dealing with Ambiguous Grief: A Personal Journey.

In life, we often face losses that are not easily defined or understood - ones that linger, impacting our emotional well-being without clear closure. This is the essence of ambiguous grief, a complex and often overlooked form of mourning. Today, I invite you on a reflective journey through the depths of ambiguous grief, exploring its nuances, its challenges, and its significance in our lives.

Ambiguous grief

What is Ambiguous Grief?

It's the loss of someone even though they are still alive. It can refer to the loss of anything significant in your life, not necessarily the sensation of finality that is associated with physical death. I could describe it like being in a state of limbo, or like you are stuck in a holding pattern of sadness. Your life is irrevocably changing and it is that lonely distance between the final goodbye. The challenge is it's seemingly endless with uncertainty surrounding how it ends.

What can it look like?

Impairment

When a loved one struggles with a mental impairment, it can feel like you are experiencing a very slow and painful loss. You feel powerless and emotionally drained. Your loved one could have dementia, and are still the person you love, yet are slowly becoming someone you don't know or understand anymore. A loved one with brain cancer may be slowly disappearing from the person you used to know due to the type and area of the tumour, the medication and their own struggle with mortality. Amid these struggles, your loved ones are still the person you love, yet they aren't the same person you knew. We often bear the brunt of aggression, anger, and confusion, it feels like a double death. As a primary carer, ambiguous grief is amplified as while they are still alive, the relationship you once shared is non-existent.

Unveiling the Layers of Loss

Ambiguous grief is like an unseen shadow, present yet intangible, making it hard for others to grasp the depth of our sorrow. It can stem from various situations - a strained relationship, a career setback, a decline in health, or a devastating diagnosis - where the loss is not concrete or accepted socially. I found myself grappling with this form of grief when my partner was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiform (GBM IV). What I didn't realise at the time, was the lost feeling, the anxiety, the sadness and the overwhelm while we were navigating this disease was a type of grief that was so real to me, yet not easily understood by others.

Navigating the Emotional Turmoil

One of the most perplexing aspects of ambiguous grief is the conflicting emotions it stirs within us. We may experience guilt for mourning a loss that feels "unworthy" or confusion for grieving someone who is still physically present but emotionally distant. In my case, the deep sadness I felt for my partner's diagnosis, the worry of the unknown, the battles with a different individual who was himself angry, lost and being tugged in a neurological and medical minefield. My life was intertwined with a profound sense of loneliness and longing for our lost shared moments. My days were blurred with an aching for myself and our children. These emotional roller coasters can leave us feeling isolated and misunderstood.

The Significance of Validation

But here is what I learnt, in hindsight. I learnt that acknowledgment and validation are crucial when dealing with ambiguous grief. Having our feelings recognised and accepted, without judgment, can provide immense relief and comfort. When I finally shared my struggle with another carer, in a similar situation I felt I wasn't alone. When I spoke with a dear friend their empathetic response helped me make peace with my emotions. It taught me the power of vulnerability and the healing that comes from having our grief seen and heard.

Here are my tips:

Lean into your grief

If you are grieving someone who is still alive, it is important to honour your feelings. Even though there has been no death, your grief response is very real. Try not to feel shame or hide your grief response. Allow yourself to accept those feelings that surface, and grieve that loss with someone empathetic and understanding.

Separate the Person from the Illness

This lived experience is what I found the most difficult. But the illness is not your loved one, even though they are standing in front of you arguing, yelling or being aggressive. However, as bad as this is, they are not in control of the biological, and medical changes in their bodies. Whether it's dementia, mental illness, or brain trauma your loved one's mind is different. Understanding their specific disease may help you differentiate your loved ones from their disease, and may alleviate any negative feelings you may have.

Embracing the Journey of Healing

Healing from ambiguous grief is not a linear process; it ebbs and flows like the tide, requiring patience and self-compassion. It involves honouring our emotions, seeking support from understanding individuals, and allowing ourselves to grieve without restrictions. This is the difficult part, how do we grieve while they are still alive? I discovered solace in exercise, others like to try creative outlets like journaling and painting, which allows you to express emotions freely and find meaning in the midst of loss.

Be Gentle with yourself

Ambiguous grief is overwhelming and it's exhausting. So it's really important to go easy on yourself and take baby steps. Embrace these feelings of loss which are perfectly normal and valid. While nothing can make it disappear, accepting your ambiguous grief can bring a sense of peace amid a difficult time.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

As I reflect on my journey through ambiguous grief, I realise that it has transformed me in profound ways. It taught me resilience in the face of uncertainty, empathy towards others experiencing similar struggles, and the beauty of embracing life's imperfections. While the pain may never fully dissipate, it has become a part of my story, shaping me into a more compassionate and understanding individual.

Embracing Ambiguity, Finding Peace

Ambiguous grief is a testament to the complexity of human emotions, reminding us that healing is not about erasing the pain but learning to coexist with it. Through my experience, I've come to appreciate the beauty of impermanent, transient emotions that make us who we are. May we all find solace in the ambiguity, embracing our losses as part of our intricate tapestry of life.

Navigating ambiguous grief is a deeply personal and introspective journey. By honouring our emotions, seeking validation, and allowing ourselves to heal at our own pace, we can transform our losses into sources of strength and resilience. Remember, you are not alone in your journey through ambiguous grief - your emotions are valid, your pain is real, and your healing is worth it.